Mop-Up RAW Recap & Review of the April 3rd edition of WWF Raw (USA) by Chris Hyatte "Hi, I took a look at your column earlier. What I saw was a well written, thought provoking, piece of art that mere mortals like I do not deserve to read. Yeah right. I think you're an overrated piece of garbage. You should quit writing and apologize to everyone for putting your filth out. You praise yourself, then insult all of us. Guess what? You're not a f**king character! You're not a heel! If you insult the people who read your column, they will get angry and will stop reading it. Besides, nobody even believes that you have a girlfriend anyways. It's probably your mother or sister that you sleep with." - Matt Jones (kvader@hotmail.com) He's right. I apologize for putting out my filth. He's right, I'm not a "f**king character. Dusty is, apparently. Which begs the question, how many "Dustys" have I been e-mailing to anyway? I didn't say I have a girlfriend. I said I HAD a girlfriend. I've had a few girlfriends over the course of my life. 8 of them in fact, plus my fair share of one night stands, and 5 Hookers. I ain't no cherry, that's the Wrestleline crew. I DO sleep with my Mother. Well, used to. She died. Bitch. "Nobody believes"? Did he take a poll? I don't HAVE A SISTER!!! Ask "Slymm". I am Chris and this is El Love Festo. Tons of stuff to cover here in the opener. Let's get going. First, I posted this on the STC Mailboard, but since it was already a few days old by the time I posted, it was already pretty deep down the line. So I'll re-iterate it right now. While I do like to surf around and check out smaller sites from time to time; I do NOT make it a practice of bashing sites on their own message boards. Any critiquing I do is saved for this column. So, "Fang", you're pissing on the wrong leg here. It wasn't me. It was an impostor. I don't do stuff like that. If I did, I would have made several appearances on a certain Delphi forum a LOOOOOONG time ago. Second, I would like to thank the folks at ScoopThis for NOT doing some horrible April Fool's stunt. Instead, they reminded the readers that lame asses all over the Web will be doing "funny" headlines in spirit of the day and warned not to be fooled by them. Bravo Trey, NoSoul, Dusty, Dusty, Dusty, and Dusty. [Ed's Note: Now you know why we're having a Robert Lamb month... people keep forgetting he exists.] Of course, SCOOPS ALSO warned against bogus stories... but sadly, given that Al reported that Heenan was fired by WCW a few days earlier, and was SOUNDLY scolded by Bob Ryder in his column (an act Bob would have NEVER tried if I was still there) that warning ended up being the funniest thing reported on the Web that day. You know, a couple of years ago, CRZ and I kicked around the idea of doing each other's recaps, submitting them to our respective sites (Wrestleline and Scoops, for those born YESTERDAY) and just see who caught on. While we both were supremely jacked at all the shit it would stir up, (imagine the look on Scaia's face when he received a recap filled with insults about him.). For whatever reason, we decided against it. But, it would have ROCKED for April first. It would have been different, unique, and MIND BLOWING. Instead of someone trying something whacked like that, look at what we get... Rick Scaia doing a bullshit news report. Yippee. It was not funny, not even witty. It was pathetically obvious from the get-go. He could have at least tried to get Samuda to do it, that might have been fun. But no, he had to do it all himself, and it was an embarrassment to web guys EVERYWHERE. Then at the end, he yelled, "GOTCHA"! Oy Vey. Shut the f**k UP! You're probably expecting a comment on Wrestleline's ECW Recapper doing a little stunt and recapping some cartoon show instead of ECW. Well I won't, because at least it was something DIFFERENT. It wasn't any good, but he gets points for trying. (But, what is it with him and cartoon shows aimed at the female audience? First it was "Daria", now it's "The Powderpuff Girls". Does he have ANY testosterone?) Next year, I am going to scream about April Fool's Day and all the d-ckheads who plan on boring everyone with this crap WELL before the day arrives. I'll give you plenty of warning. Let's ALL unite and make plans to put an END to stupid stunts like this and the a-holes who think they are so hilarious. Moving on, Dave Scherer had the balls to poke fun at "reputable" sites for posting a bullsh*t news piece about a website opened up by Phil Mushnick and some other folks. It seems that some new wrestling site wanted to make waves by announcing themselves as a Mushnik associated group and seeing what kind of reaction they would get. Dave really shouldn't crow all that loud. He's fallen for PLENTY of bullsh*t stories himself, and I'm quite sure he's gonna fall for more before long. But, the "prank" of a new Mushnick site is a GOOD one. THAT'S the kind of stuff that should be put out for April Fool's day. Well thought out ideas and a solid EFFORT involved in making it look legit. Not some loser sitting at his computer for 10 minutes tops grinding out humorless material, then patting himself on the back afterwards thinking, "This'll freak out the plebes!" Moving on... for real, Wrestlemania was not a great show, it was not a bad show. It was a good show. I think they sort of buried themselves with that All Day Wrestlemania package, which really sold the PPV as something VERY special. I LOVE it when people bitch about Vince turning on the Rock, thus making the show as a way for him to "get over". Hey morons, he has BEEN over, he's been over for YEARS now. He turned on the Rock, so the Rock could get pinned by HHH without it looking like he had to put the guy over. I also love the idiots who scream, "BUT THE GOOD GUYS ALWAYS WALK AWAY FROM WRESTLEMANIA THE WINNER!!!! THIS IS NOT THE WAY IT SHOULD BE!!! THIS SHOW SUCKS!!!" Yeah, and if either the Rock or Foley won the thing, then everyone would scream, "TOO PREDICTABLE, TOO OBVIOUS!! IT WAS SO OBVIOUS, IT SUCKED!!!" They changed things up, they gave an ending that nobody was banking on. They set up the Rock as the winner, then threw Foley in there and everyone figured that HE would win. Neither one did, almost everyone was surprised, and now you say it SUCKED???? Jeeze, can't please anyone nowadays. Finally, lots of bitching about Foley coming out of retirement. Hey, there aren't that many workers out there who have worked the Wrestlemania main event. It really is somewhat of a "Holy Grail" to a LOT of people with dreams of Wrestling stardom. Give the guy a break. He worked his dream match, took a pin like a man, and got a nice standing ovation on his way out. Leave him be. He's worked hard enough for us to allow him to play out one last dream. F-You. I WAS going to review the interview Vince Russo gave Ryder and Scherer two weeks ago, but I've carried on long enough. Maybe I'll get to it next week, maybe I won't. This week's closer is a look at Stephen King's work, because it's something I never did before. If you like SK and feel like bullsh*tting about what I had to say about his stuff, then give it a looksee. Oh, and I plan on opening the Nitro recap with PLENTY to say about Goldberg's interview with Al Isaacs. It's all in the Nitro column. This is the RAW column, thus it would be wise to get going with the recap of... NITRO: (or: No, no. This time, we are REALLY gonna change!) -WCW Logo: Now surely, THIS won't survive the cut? This symbol represents EVERYTHING BAD THIS COMPANY HAS DONE!!!!! -An empty arena... yet we can still hear the cheers. -and there's Freddie Blassie... sitting in the seats, musing to himself, "I can still hear the cheers." THEY SIGNED BLASSIE?????? MY GOD!!!! -HA!!! BELATED APRIL FOOLS!!!! SUCKERS!!!!!!!! YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS THE NITRO RECAP!!! YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE, DIDN'T YOU???? -Oh... wait... I almost forgot. GOTCHA!!!!! -See what I mean? -God, how lame would this net be if it weren't for me. Jesus. -RAW opens with... nothing? The night after Wrestlemania, the most IMPORTANT RAW OF THE YEAR AND THE TEASE US WITH NOTHING???? -Oh those cocky bastards. Nitro's gonna kick their ASSES!!! The NEW Nitro, that is. -opening theme -Fireworks galore. Burned out vets duck for cover. Somewhere, a fatally wounded Tom Hanks points to a young Matt Damon and says, "Earn this!" Damon says that he will, then holds up a sign that says, "I BANGED MINNIE DRIVER!!" Ahh to be young, good looking, and a Star in Hollwood. Lord, I miss those days. -I never told you? I was the older brother in "E.T". Man, I had Hollwood by the BALLS back then! -One day I'll tell you how me and Todd Bridges double teamed Natalie from "The Facts of Life" -Jim Ross welcomes us to the Staple Center in Los Angeles, California. Where the Lakers rule basketball, much to my chagrin. (If it's one thing I HATE, it's Shaq. Can't stand the mumbling prick.) -Ross called last night's show, the "Biggest Wrestlemania EVER!!!!" (Oh I don't know, I still remember a certain show at the Silverdome that attracted more people than your standard average Woodstock) -Ross tells Lawler that tonight, we will DEFINITELY DISCOVER why Vince McMahon screwed the Rock out of the WWF title! (I thought I explained why quite nicely up top, thank you very much) -We don't have long to wait as... -Shane McMahon wanders out. You know, every time he walks out, I can't help but see dollar signs flash in front of his eyes. We fans are NOT people to him, we are dead Presidents! Rat bastard. DIE SHANE, DIE!!!!!!!!! I AM MORE THAN JUST A FEW MORE BUCKS IN YOUR POCKET!!!!! I AM A PERSON DAMMIT!!! A PERSON!!!!!! -He entered the ring and got on the stick, because he would look like a friggin' jackass if he just stood there scratching his ass. -He got on the mic and publically apologized to Vince McMahon for being such a goober earlier. He also apologized for yanking off Vince's piece and using it to play "Keep Away" with Patterson. Of course, then Pat got carried away and "Keep Away" suddenly turned into a variation of "Hide the Salami". I'm sure you can imagine where the Rug ended up. My God, you CAN imagine it can't you?? And you kind of LIKE IT don't you??? You friggin' FAIRIES!!!! -Shane was awfully proud of Vince for doing what he did. So proud, that he wanted to continue what was started last night and CHALLENGE the Rock to a title match later tonight. -So he challenged the Rock, and DEMANDED that Rocky get his ass out there to accept the challenge among the barrage of those damnable catchphrases. -Instead, HH & H came out with his Wife, Stephanie. Stephanie was limping. Looks like HHH finally got a little anal action. Lucky sumbitch. -Stephanie took the mic, and waited out a chant of "SLUT". -She told Shane that she will NEVER forget what the Rock did to her last night. (WHOA!!!! MAYHAPS I HAD THE RIGHT HOLE, BUT THE WRONG TALLYWHACKER!!! HEEYO) -Stephanie is a WOMAN (well, after last night, bet'cha ASS!!!) -Stephanie is "135 pounds"... (In zero gravity, sure) -Yes, she admitted that she slapped the Rock, but he deserved it! -She, on the other hand, did NOT deserve the "Rock Bottom" (This girl be a PLAYA!!! BOOYAA!!!!) -She did not deserve the People's Elbow (Damn, how did he fit THAT in there?) -Now her back is hurting, her chest is sore, (WCW may be where the Big Boys Play, but the WWF is where the Big Boys Get LAID!!!!!!!! WOOF, WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!!!!!) -Stephanie feels like she was in a skiing accident. Not as snotty as the time when Vince said he will never play Polo again, ("YOU VIOLATED ME AUSTIN!!! YOU VIOLATED ME!!!!" Perhaps the funniest thing Vince has ever said... ever. Now Russo's gone... dammit). -A "normal woman" wouldn't even be out there right now. A "normal woman" wouldn't be giving up the butt like that, Little Miss Thing! -Steph tells Shane that she appreciates his feelings towards the Rock right now... but right now I'm totally lost in the script, so it's high time for... -HHH to take the mic out of her hand and get back to the proper place. Stephanie is his WIFE, and NOBODY gets to snack on that BOOTY without paying the price and working a match with him on RAW. Booty is Booty but RATINGS ARE STILL RATINGS AND A DOLLAR IS STILL A DOLLAR!!!! -HHH said, "An Eye for an Eye, Rock." He puts his hands all over Stephanie like that, well then he has no choice but to return the favor!!!!! (and if you doubt his ability to... perform, I've got some photos to sell you! Scary stuff. Puts that bit of news I have on "Slymm" to shame.) -Vince McMahon comes out now. Time to get some ANSWERS DAMMIT!!! WHY HAS HE SCREWED THE ROCK, SCREWED THE FANS, AND SCREWED WRESTLEMANIA FOR ALL TIME????? -Ross says that Vince might very well be "Satan himself". Highly unlikely. Satan would NEVER walk out without a tie. -Vince gave Stephanie a hug. A PERFECTLY INNOCENT HUG THAT A FATHER AND DAUGHTER ARE ALLOWED TO SHARE!!!! MUST YOU PERVERT EVERYTHING???? -Vince eyed HHH, then shook hands. After all, he just drugged, married, and raped his Daughter who was too whacked out on "Roofies" to notice. Hell, that's pretty much my entire social life. -He hugged Shane too. Again, PERFECTLY INNOCENT. PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE!! -Vince got on the mike and acknowledged that they had a problem. Because HE wanted to Rock tonight also. I do NOT like this. -The Old Vince only fought when he was forced to. He was a Boss who built a "Corporation" filled with people who fought for him. He manipulated people. This new "Tough Guy" Vince knocks people out with one punch and walks around challenging everyone. This is NOT Russo's dream. THIS IS NOT WHAT RUSSO HAD CREATED!!!! -God... we have GOT to get Austin back. I miss the old rattlesnake. -Then Vince began to get into why he did what he did. Why did he screw the Rock. After all, isn't that what everyone wants to know? - cuz if it's on the net, it's got to be true™ (continued...) -Actually, I want to know if Mark Waid is aware that Devin Grayson is just boffing him to get choice writing assignments from DC, but that's another story. That, of course, is followed closely by the question, "Is there an ‘L' in Devin's name?" -of course, I could be totally wrong and it's pure LOVE between the two... bwahahahaaaa -So, why did Vince "scramble the Rock's brains at Wrestlemania?" -Well, since Vince really does NOT answer to anyone, anyway. Unlike US people. -And, since the people DEMAND an explanation. Well, quite frankly, Vince is NOT inclined to answer. -In other words, "Quite frankly, have you seen the ratings? We don't have to make ANY sense anymore and we will STILL outdraw our... heh... competition by a ratio of at least 4 to 1. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!" -Vince continued, claiming that the Rock has a LOT in common with Los Angeles people. (Huh? I thought Rocky had his Samoan Tits pulled OUT?) -Let's see, much like the Rock, LA folks are "vain, egocentric, and narcissistic" (Did Vince hire Luger back and not tell anyone? IS THIS WHERE HE IS GOING??) -Vince called them a bunch of phonies, then demanded that they look at themselves. -Vince, "Many of you have fake hair, fake teeth, fake boobs." (at which point his hairpiece stood up, shouted, "That's it, I'm outta here! And flew away. A pantsless Patterson SPRINTED out of the back, turned around, spread ‘dem cheeks with his hands, and yelled "COME ‘ERE LITTLE TROOPA!!" Needless to say, the piece did a U-Turn and returned to it's perch. All of this was edited. I got to see it because of my old SCOOPS connections. God Bless Al.) -Vince said that this was the land of "Liposuction, facelifts, tummy tucks"... then screamed, "WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE YOU?? YOU'RE NOT HUMAN BEINGS???" (This is the man who hired the Ultimate Warrior) -Vince, "YOU'RE JUST A BUNCH OF PHONIES!!!" Then made sure that they all knew that he meant ALL OF THEM, not just those Hollywood celebrities. -Fans chanted, "ASSHOLE" -Vince, "I hope our producer has his finger on the bleeper button because I've never been called that by so many ASSHOLES (BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP)fe" (Oh those MORONS!!! HE WARNED YOU, DIDN'T HE?) -Of course he did. He also told them to be sure and bleep it right AFTER he said it. They pull that "mistake" WAAAAY too many times for it to be a simple accident. It's all rigged so they can say filthy words, yet still LOOK as if they are trying to edit themselves responsibly. Think about it. -Vince surmised that if you live in LA and are NOT in the entertainment business, then you are one of the millions who WANT to be in the business. These people are what "we" call, "bottom feeders". They are waiting for some "Hollywood Agent" to slither up from the "commode" and make them a star. (Jeeze, why don't they just get on the Internet, rip off Howard Stern, and curse their brains out? It's what made me a star!!) -Much like the Rock's dreams were shattered at Wrestlemania, these people's dreams of stardom are equally as smashed. -Oh for... okay, that's enough. I‘ve had enough of this. Vincepromisedthatby theendofthenightoneofthem willdrivetherockoutofwrestlingand intoamoresuitableprofessionthat beingwaitingtablesordealingcrack whicheverpaysbetterandleaves youfreeforauditions. -Vince's music played and Ross predicted certain doom for Rocky. Wrestlemania is over, tonight is the beginning of a brand new set of storylines, and all is right with the world. Other than the fact that these new storylines look suspiciously like the old storylines, but it's either this or one more hour of watching Madden make love to Bischoff's anus. -Ross sets up the night's events. Lots of big time matches. Lots of names that weren't even in Titan four months ago. -Backstage, a Limo pulls up. The Rock steps out. He arrived just after the McMahons finish up? Isn't that convenient... chicken SHIT!!!! -commercials -Yes, they are in the Staples Center. It COULD have been called the "Office Max Center" if those bumpkins knew how to grease a few palms. Wanna be big time? You gots to know how to PAY big time. -Chyna came out. Here's a question to ponder on the Mailboard, why does Chyna ALWAYS where her hair in a tight ponytail with a possible extension on the RAW following EVERY PPV? It's true, too. -So, she came out and fired off her rocket launcher. Stephanie's limping and she's carrying the world's biggest wonder rod. Missy Hyatt would have had a FIELD DAY in this company. -Lipstick on Chyna simply does NOT fit. It's like Fred Durst on Carmen Electra. -Y2J ticker. Explosion, blah, blah, blah. -He doesn't have a mic, but he DOES have the European belt. Ross points out that while Kurt Angle lost all his titles last night, he was not pinned for either of them. Ross called it "irony", Lawler called it "a conspiracy". I called it a statement. Vince putting the second most important strap on Chris Benoit sends a CLEAR MESSAGE to whoever is left in WCW. I need not explain what the message is. Or need I? -Eddie Guerrero comes out with a mic. Eddie gets on the stick and says to Chyna, "HEY YAY YAY YAY... TAKE IT EASY MAMACITA!!!" (Mamacita... BWAHAHAA. I love Eddie) -Eddie is convinced that Chyna wants some "Latino Heat", and said that last night, she was "practically coming out of your pants at the sight of me!!" -SEVERAL thoughts come to mind: -A) I KNEW IT, CHYNA HAS A PECKER!!! -B) and if that's true, then is Eddie a FAG? -C) OR, if she is a girl, then that explains that wet spot in the corner after her match, and why HHH was spotted sniffing the spot during his match and mumbling, "memmmmories, like the pages of my miiiiind" -D) Lastly, and my God, Eddie has damn sure come a LOOONG way from the days when he used to tell Bischoff to "kiss my you-know-what!" -I'd like to point out that I am not too thrilled with the above refrains. But under the circumstances, they were the best I can come up with right at the moment. -The good news is that thus far in this column, I have used the words "your" and "you're" properly. I still say that if it takes you an hour to read this column, then YOU'RE barely literate. -Eddie then said that he has to pray to his ancestors in Mexico for spiritual guidance. Ross quipped, "I thought he was from El Paso?" Like there's a difference. You're out of you're mind!! -aw SHIT!! -Eddie hit the ring. I noticed that Eddie has lost some of that "Cut" look on his body since his WCW days. Too many Taco Bell runs. -It's obvious that the quicker pacing of the WWF doesn't allow guys like this to really work their magic, (which will eventually end up leaving Malenko DEEP into the mid-card), but these two know how to put a "snap" into everything they do, so they made the best out of the brief time. -Eddie snapped on a Sleeperhold., then threw him into the ropes and put it on again!!! (Maybe Piper died and they're paying homage? Naaah, we couldn't be that lucky) -Cameras go to the dressing room, where we see a floor shot of someone's feet, along with some white powder scattered about the rug. (DRUGS IN THE WWF???? NO WAY!!!!!!!!) -Basically, this match was all Eddie. -Eddie winked at Chyna. Chyna shook her head in disgust. Ross assured us that Chyna is NOT reciprocal. Dammit Jim, just because YOU don't believe in mixed couples does NOT mean you can pollute OUR minds with such narrow minded FILTH!!!!!! -Speaking of which, from what I heard (and seen), the new movie "Black and White" features PLENTY of "action" between hardcore black guys and whiter-than-a-Nun's-tush white girls. If there was ever a time to scream BOOOYAAAA, it's now!! -Eddie climbed the ropes and went for something. Jericho moved and followed with a snap powerslam. -Ross mentioned that the Lakers and the Kings sold out in 11 minutes here, then dropped the subject. Why on earth would anyone outside of Zimmerman give a rat's ass? -The Ref was knocked out. He still had the cognizance to pitch himself out of the ring. -Jericho with a double powerbomb. Over on Nitro, Madden remarked that Bischoff taught him that move. -Jericho with the Springboard Moonsault. Or, as those "In the Know" call it, a Moonspring Boardsault. Only mark call it the other thing. -Jericho with the pin, but there is no Ref... IT'S THE SAME DAMN SHOW WEEK AFTER WEEK, PEOPLE!!!!!!! -Chyna runs in and makes the fast count. -Didn't you love how the crack of Chyna's ass was showing at the end of her WM match? A few more inches and we could have glimpse the ultimate gloryhole. -Chyna held up Jericho's hand in victory. -Then Chyna KICKED JERICHO IN THE GUT... oh why am I yelling? -Gave him a DDT, rolled Eddie on top of him, woke up the Ref, and Eddie is the new European Champion. -Backstage, Tazz's head exploded. -She gave Eddie the Euro belt. Eddie was shocked, but he got into it and they hugged. Ross tried to pawn the hug off as sexual, but I've held Shower heads with more affection. -By God, I have the cleanest bunghole in New England too. -They walked up the ramp together. Eddie used every ounce of will he had not to stare at Chyna's gazoompas. Jesus, they were practically smacking him in the face. -Jericho left quietly. He didn't say a word at all before, during, or after. I bet he shows up on Nitro next week!! -OR, if the promos for "Backlash" mean anything, then Jericho might be ready to move UP in the company. His name was right up there with The Rock, HHH, and the Big Show. Maybe they Jericho is on the fast track to main event status? -ALSO, you DO realize that THREE of the four "Radicalz" now own WWF belts barely two months into their run here? Wasn't it just last week where Madden insinuated in his stinky column that the Rads were worse off in Titan than in Atlanta? -Ahh, I miss writing "And Another Thing". I love it here at STC and wouldn't take my Mop-Ups anywhere else (we do fit quite nicely, don't we?), but sometimes, I really yearn for a place to do some serious commentary and show everyone how it's done. -commercials -Vince and Stephanie have a Father/Daughter chat that ends up with them kissing. It was a tender moment. A lovely moment. I climaxed within 3 strokes. -footage of Chyna's TRAITOROUS WAYS!!!!!!!!!!!! SKANK!!!!!! -Run DMC re-work the DX theme. The only thing more amazing than these guys calling themselves the "King of Rock" is that they have gotten away AND milked it for WELL over 12 years!! -YET, one day, when I'm feeling saucy, I'll drop a little "Down Wit Da King" on yo white asses. We'll go a little old school. -Road Dogg, X-Pac, and Torrie come out. Now that the Kane feud has FINALLY been killed, one wonders who is next for these guys. -Hmm... I just noticed something on Torrie. I'll pull a Scherer and refuse to say what until I am ABSOLUTELY SURE. -Road Dogg, clearly missing the chemistry with his old pard... manage to rhyme, "Now Trish Stratus, you s'posed to be some fitness guru. But underneath that jacket, you've got an ass like Rikishi Phatu!!" (Well, what has he been smoking? Actually, what HASN'T he been smoking is more like it) -I don't care WHAT you say, using the phrase "Two tears in a bucket" to rhyme out "suck it" simple makes NO FRIGGIN' SENSE!!!!!!! -Trish Stratus comes out with Test and Albert. Put them together and you get "A T & T"... bet'cha never figured THAT one out before did'ja?? -Wanna know why I am such a miserable loner? Easy, I look at Trish Stratus and all I see is that nose. Fitness Mistress, Outrageous boobs, KILLER legs, nice pink box, well toned, well tanned, silky blonde hair, AND ALL I FOCUS ON IS THAT HONKER!!!!!! -X-Pac and Albert start things out. Albert presses him and drops him hard. -X-Pac has one of the best roundhouse kicks in the game. Maybe in HISTORY. -Road Dog was in. He did his shuck and jive routine, then turned around and gave Stratus a crotch chop. He turned around and Albert gave him a Daniel-San Crane kick. Dumb ass, SWEEP THE LEG!!!!! DON'T GIVE YOUR SENSEI ANY LIP!!! JUST SWEEP THE DAMN LEG!!!! NO OLD NIP IS GONNA EMBARASS THE COBRA KAI LIKE THAT!!!!!! -Test was tagged in. Jesus, Ross wasn't kidding when he said that Albert was gonna get a SHOVE. They are selling him as a MONSTER. -Test caught X-Pac mid swing and DUMPED him on his Ferret ass. -Albert had X-Pac up by the neck, Road Dogg crotched him. X-Pac followed up with an "X-factor". Albert was pinned. Still, T & A was put over, loss or not they flashed some moves. -Looks like we are in a "quiet time" for DX. Or maybe they'll win the tag belts on Smackdown. How would I know? -Backstage, Kurt Angle bitched to Howard Finkle about how he was screwed out of both his belts. Finkle politely told Angle to go fornicate his mother. Angle put him in a Chicken Wing. Said Chicken Wing was not a REAL Chicken Wing as Finkle's arm was NOT pulled behind Finkle's back. BOB BACKLUND IS NOT PLEASED!!!!!!!!!!!! NOR AM I AT THIS TRAVESTY!!!!!!! -Once I put a Chicken Wing on my girlfriend. She was not pleased. -So then I put a Chicken Wing in my Girlfriend. The bitch brightened right up. -commercials -Vince and Shane had a Father/Son chat. Subtle nuances to tonight's storyline were included. -Tazz came out. Hearing the pop he got from folks in California, even though his whole career was so far based in the Northeast is a testament to the underestimated Genius of Eric Bischoff... according to Mark Madden. -Am I crazy or does Tazz walk like he made a massive dump in his tights? -Chris Benoit came out. He is one catchphrase away from being bigger than Maivia. -The best part about guys like this is that they WILL take a couple of stiff shots in order to make the other guy look good. Pus, they have GREAT attitudes. I heard that Tazz told Meltzer that he is more than willing to work his way up from the bottom of the WWF Ladder and let his push develop over time. And of course, who can forget Benoit going online and saying that he would put Malenko over 1000 nights in a row without a problem. People, you just don't HEAR that from a lot of workers today. -So, they were going at it. Trading shots and working their grooves. -Then Benoit puts Tazz in a Sharpshooter. if there was still any remnants of the Hart's in the company, they would have FREAKED!!!! -or applauded, which ever. -Ross said that Benoit is the "Canadian Crippler" because he loves to cripple people. Lawler asked him to name one guy Benoit has EVER crippled. Ross changed topics in a blink and bitched about how neither of them were nominated for Supporting Actor for "Man on the Moon". -Tazz put Benjy in the Tazzmission. Perry Saturn ran in. Tazz fought him off. Benoit grabbed him and Bridged him. Benoit got the three count. They pounded on Tazz a little, then walked away. Tazz chased. They fought up the ramp. -Hey, if played right, the Radicalz could become the WWF Horsemen? -Backstage, Rikishi Phatu was enjoying his ass. Those damn Samoans. -commercials -Backstage, TBS told Shane McMahon that he was going "Hollywood"... then he shaved off his hair, put on a blonde wig and a do-rag, painted his cheeks black, and called himself "God". These WWF boys are getting DESPERATE with the Big Guy. -Michael Cole was in the ring, and brought out the new WWF Champions, Edge and Christian!!! -So, Edge and Methodist...er Christian came out. Cole got a sentence and a half out before Edge took the mic out of his hand and shooed him away. Cole walked away with a frown. Jeeze, the dude worked 6 hours on Sunday with Ivory, who couldn't have been peppier if you jammed two liters of Crystal Methane up her ass with a Cattleprod turned on HIGH. (I miss my Grandmother) -Edge had the mic and boasted that they won the belts in the greatest tag team match, maybe of all time, (oh, I think Hulk Hogan, Brutus Beefcake, Ted DiBiase, and IRS might have something to say about THAT!!). -Both Edge and Christian agree that they weren't just GOOD at that match, they were GREAT!!! -YET, in order for them to have looked so good, they had to have opponents to help them, so they invited the Hardy Boyz to come out and share the accolades of a job well done. -The Hardyz did just that. They got a pop. -Christian asked the fans to give them another pop, because they deserve it. -E & C continued to patronize these kids. The kids walked to the ring. Then the whistling began. -The DUDLEYS COME OUT!!!!!!!! YEAH BABY!!!!!!! I LOVE THE DUDLEY BOYS!!!!!!!!! -A three way war broke out. Everybody got a little some. -Then the WWF Officials broke it up. As far as I know, no WWF official is the AntiChrist, although I hear Tony Garea once dabbled in Kiddie Porn, but that was a LOOOONG time ago and he has since learned the error of his ways... if it was true, which it is certainly NOT! -WWF stars explaining why THEY get to wrestle and WE can't. BULL!!!!! Keep going with those Backyard Extreme Sharp Instrument Matches held near the closest AIDS Clinics. It's the ONLY way you are gonna get in the biz!! -commercials -Footage of the Tag Team WAR that we just witnessed, Well, YOU just witnessed. I was busy listening to Madden describe how Bischoff spent his time away from WCW running a Methadone Clinic in outer Uganda. A VOLUNTEER Methadone Clinic, no less. -Backstage, Chyna and Eddie get all Spanish with each other as they load up in Eddie's Low Rider and vamoose out of there. Next stop... COMPTON!!!!! -El Show Grande comes out. He takes a moment to criticize a sign that we can't see, I heard it said, "SCOOPS SUCKS WITHOUT HYATTE". Other reports say it said, "SCOOPTHIS SUCKS WITH HYATTE". Just to play it safe, I will assume that the sign included the words, "HYATTE" and "SUCKS" and leave it at that. -Rikishi came out. The second hour might have arrived. According to my internal clock, the damn thing should have arrived 20 minutes ago. -Things get going with TBS knocking Rikishi down, doing a Moonwalk, then riffed on that "Worm" gimmick that Scotty Too Hotty (oh I feel like such a HOMO right now) uses. -Rikishi moved out of the way. -Show ate some ass. Ross showed why he is so damn GOOD at his job by saying, "The Big Show, going HOLLYWOOD!!!" -Too Cool interfered for no reason and caused the DQ. Rikishi didn't seem to mind. Rikishi understands that he ain't gonna be winning the WWF ANYTIME during this century. -The real "Worm" was applied. Then they danced. -TBS watched them dance, and pondered. -The Rock was in his dressing room. That outta hold you marks through this set of... -commercials -Backstage, Vince holds up three straws. The man who draws the shortest straw will fight the Rock tonight. -Shane drew the shortest. Inexplicably, Shane let his Father pick the second straw. Whoever wrote this story for tonight is really blowing chunks tonight. -Neither Vince, nor HHH were too despondent over not fighting the Rock tonight. That might have been the single sloppiest sentence I have ever written all year. -The Big Show was in the ring with a mic. He said that people have been telling him all his life that he is a great athlete. That he is the "biggest, baddest, meanest man in the sport today". He is an UNSTOPPABLE MONSTER!!! A JUGGERNAUT!!!! (WHOA!! Hello X-Men sequel!! Sign him up NOW!! Before Bischoff gets either Hogan or Goldberg in there!!) -The point is, (for you Marks who need to have a point to any of this crap), TBS is MORE than just a living breathing tank who cheerfully says, "F-Believability" and lays down for pretty much anyone he's told to lay down for. He's got a sense of HUMOR!! -He pointed out his killer appearance on Saturday Night Live. (Oh, he was okay. He just came across as the most natural of the bunch, especially compared to the Rock, who spent most of the show staring in the camera like he just found a 20 year old roach in John Belushi's locker and partook of a little pre-show cheer. Although the "Nicorette" segment was cool) -TBS said he was MORE than a worker, he was an ENTERTAINER!!! Just ask his Fiancée. (I'd rather ask his ex-wife. There be JUICE in them thar hills.) -TBS said that sometimes, he feels like dancing, and sometimes, he feels like dancing! -They hit the music, and he proceeded to dance. -WHOA... for a second there, he looked like a young Dean Martin. A young Dean Martin with a raging case of Down's Syndrome, but a young Deano, none-the-less. -What the hell, they're trying. They are giving him every chance. In the old days, you got one chance. If you didn't work it, BOOM... it's straight to opening Wrestling Challenge against Koko B Ware. -Backstage, Michael Cole talked to the Rock. The Rock was amazed at all the great decisions made by Vince over the years. The decision to expand the company in 1983, the decision to create Wrestlemania in 1985. The infamous Penis Implant of 1991. (HAW!!!!!! I had a few lines of my own, but why mess with such a beauty!) -The Rock's point was that all those decisions and accomplishments meant NOTHING. Because now that Vince had screwed the Rock out of the title at WM. Rest assured, much like he Rock Bottomed "that slut, Stephanie" the other night, much like the beating he's about to rain down on Shane's candy ass later tonight, he's gonna win the WWF title. Trust me, it made more sense than my lazy ass recapping reflects. -commercials -Backstage, Too Cool was having a good ol' time ragging on TBS's dancing skills. -Crash Holly comes out. -Hardcore Holly follows suit. Bob is the new Hardcore champ, and I have NO problem with that. -Ross mentions that next year's Wrestlemania will be in the Astrodome. In a related story, Bob Ryder grimly announced that this year's Starrcade will be held in Al Isaacs backyard (WHAT??? DEAR GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE???). Bob said that he was in SERIOUS contention to get the show in HIS backyard, but he forgot to give WCW his NEW phone number after some asswipe gave out his old one and he was besieged with calls from people demanding to know where he gets off knocking the WWF all the time. -This was a Hardcore title match... under Catch as Catch Can rules, (THOSE BASTARDS!!! THEY POLLUTE THE HARDCORE TITLE A LITTLE BIT MORE EVERY SINGLE WEEK!!!!!!) -Hardcore quickly breaks out a Broom and whacks away. Bob Roop saw this and dropped dead JUST so he could spin in his grave. -Kudos to ALL who picked up on the Bob Roop reference and why it applies. To those who didn't, go pick up a PWI Almanac and LEARN A LITTLE HISTORY!!!!!! STUPID ASSES!!!!! -Crash sucked in a little Fire Extinguisher... gas? -Lawler, quite astutely, wondered why there are Fire Extinguishers under the ring when he has NEVER seen a fire under the ring. (Over on Nitro, Madden credited Bischoff with that idea). I bet The King has banged more than his fair share of broads under more than his fair share of rings....HUUUWAAAA. -Crash gave Hardcore a Facebuster Suplex on a chair. -Then the Acolytes ran out just as Hardcore smashed a jar of Snickers in Crash's face. Ross demanded that they stop the damn match. -The Acolytes tuned up Hardcore, and Crash regained the Hardcore strap. -Then the Mean Street Posse ran out and went after Crash. For no real reason, Ross bellowed that the 24/7 rule was back in effect. -Backstage, HHH tried to give Shane some advice, but couldn't think of any. So he told him to be careful, and to just say no to drugs. -commercials -TBS asked Brian Christopher for dancing advise. BC ragged on him. TBS trashed him, then snagged his cap and goggles. I wonder if he misses being a part of the Dungeon of Doom? -Val Venis came out. His rhetoric was cut short by... -Kurt Angle, who was so thoroughly disgusted with losing two titles in one night without being pinned once, as well as being disgusted by fighting a Porn star tonight. So he will wrestle this match whilst wearing rubber gloves. (Gotta be careful of them AIDS. Some of these porn chicks have real estate agents set up in their chooch to handle all them germs) -Venis attacked before Angle could get the gloves on. -Lawler went off topic and said that he couldn't WAIT to get out of Hollywood because everything was so fake. He admitted that Jim Carrey used a stunt double, that was probably for the Lawyers, in case the producers of "Man on the Moon" were thinking about recouping their losses by trying to take a little nip out of Vince's wallet. -Meanwhile, Venis and Angle were engaged in a decent match. It seems that RAW is now booking at least one of these matches per week. -Venis went for the Money Shot, Angle dodged. Angle put on the Chicken Wing. Venis's arm went NOWHERE NEAR HIS BACK!!! GODDAMMIT, I HATE IT WHEN THEY WATER DOWN MOVES LIKE THIS!!!!!! RAW SUCKS!!!! BRING ON NITRO!!! BRING ON... UNCLE ERIC!!!!!!! -Venis tapped, or submitted. Either way, he lost. Vince is bored with this porn star gimmick. I just want to see him tongue down Terri, then flip to Nitro fast to see how pissed Dustin gets. -backstage, Vince assures Shane that he's got his back. Shane is relieved. -commercials -Kane fights Bull Buchanan for all of 20 seconds before the Bossman helped handcuff Kane to the ringpost and the two of them beat him stupid. Paul Bearer chaired Bull, and paid the price for it. I hear Kane is due for a little R & R to heal up a busted hand. -Backstage, the Rock is flexing for the camera without looking like he's flexing. It's an old Body building trick. -commercials -Shane McMahon comes out. He mounts the second rope and rips on the Rock. Madden credited Bischoff with that idea without offering ANY reason as to how or why (Oh, he is SUCH a...argh). -Vince came out for moral support, and to lecture the Ref and Lillian Garcia for whatever. -The Rock ran out. Ross botched up his metaphors and screamed, "THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE!!!!!" -Shane ran out of the ring. Rocky was able to tear off Vince's sports coat. Vince wasn't pleased. -Ross screamed that the Rock was "pissed", then we were treated to a 7 second bleepfest. I'm telling you, it's all a giant F-YOU to the censors. -Shane ran for his life up the ramp. The Rock caught him. HHH ran out and caught Rocky. Ross brilliantly called it a "set-up", and had the AUDACITY to be surprised. -HHH softened the Rock up, then tossed him in the ring. Shane worked him over. -It spilled outside and onto the Announcer table. Vince and Hunter joined in. -Ross was off at Wrestlemania, it's true. BUT, he MORE THAN MADE UP FOR IT during this match. -Lawler tried to do the hell thing and say that maybe it was NOT a set-up. Ross called him an "idiot" -Lawler did a double take and said "What?" Ross called him an idiot again. -The Rock ended up in Ross's lap. Ross, "Good God Almighty!!" Lawler said, "Get out of the way JR!" Ross snapped, "SHUT UP!!!" -Lawler, "Hit JR!!!". Ross said, "Good God Almighty" again. -Lawler told Ross to be careful, lest he be fired again. Ross, "Well I could give a DAMN!" For some reason, that cracked me up. -HHH worked over the Rock while Shane had the Ref's attention. Ross kept asking Lawler, "Is this right? Do you see this, King? Is your monitor working? They're right in front of us! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES, KING!!!" -Lawler told Ross to chill, Ross screamed, "WHY DIDN'T YOU CHILL WHEN YOU SAW THAT 16 YEAR OLD CHIPPIE FLAUNTING DOWN BEALE STREET, KING?? THEY STILL HAVE YOUR MUG SHOT POSTED IN EVERY CELL AT THE MEMPHIS PD???" -Lawler clammed up. Ross knows how to pick his spots. -Shane was working over the Rock. Ross snidely asked if he thought he was Roy Jones Jr. Lawler asked, "Who?" Ross, "He's a Boxer, King!! A REAL Athlete!! Unlike some old fart who still walks around in tacky 70's tights!!" Lawler asked why on God's green earth would Ross bring up Wayne Newton? -Ross, "Oh yeah, he's hip. He's cool. It's 3 on 1!" -Rocky fought back. He hit the Rock Bottom. Ross re-discovered his love for America. -HHH Pedigreed Rock. Ross demanded that we give ourselves back to England. -Shane had Rocky pinned, but Rocky fought back. -The McMahons took off. HHH took over. -HHH worked over Rocky. Ross decided that Lawler can work alone next week while he watches Nitro. -Rocky rebounded an PINNED HHH. Ross screamed, "BISCHOFF SUCKS" then said that the only thing Russo EVER wrote was his phone number to numerous young males in tight jeans in the New York Subway stalls. -The Rock celebrated with the fans as all the McHeels looked on in outrage. -The show ends. -Farm Club has the reunion of the NWA. Just as a precaution, I unplug my TV. RAW is what RAW usually is. Except that Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler were especially rocking for that last match. Wild shtuff. It's the last Nitro before the first Nitro of the rest of our lives. Let's all check it out and ruthlessly pick apart the first 4 and a half years of the show with no mercy. If you're real good, I might also make fun of Madden's girth a little. Only if you behave.